Anonymous said: I'm just curious since you are an infj just like me, are you very sensitive and do you easily get bad conscience/anxiety too? Just asking, btw your blog is great:) / a fellow INFJ
Yes, yes, and yes. I’m so sensitive and feel emotions (mine and everyone else’s) so intensely, I really didn’t know how to handle it as a child. Now I have a better understanding of who I am and how I function but sometimes I still struggle with it.
As a child it was particularly rough because I was abused within a family that has a long history of abuse. I was surrounded by people who didn’t validate my feelings or operate in the world the same way I did. When I was a kid, I used to speak up and say the things that no one wanted to hear and I was punished accordingly. It caused me to become very inhibited. I wore a mask around people in order to protect myself, but after wearing the mask for so long, I started to lose sight of who I really was and dealt with crippling anxiety, loneliness, and depression for several years.
I’ve also noticed that when a friend or someone I’m romantically involved with says something that hurts my feelings, I don’t bring it up for a very long time. I try to let it go because I’m not sure if I’m being too sensitive or if I misinterpreted the intent behind what they said. But eventually, all of the emotional slights start to add up until I get to the point where I lash out at them or cut them off completely without an explanation.
When I lash out at people, I know how to verbally cut them to the core because it’s so easy for me to read them and analyze all of their insecurities. I can see right through any barriers they try to put up. I do it without even trying. It’s like second nature for me. Sometimes I feel bad about hurting them, especially when I can see the pain in their eyes. Then I think to myself, “Oh, did I take it too far?”
I know the way I handle certain situations isn’t healthy for me and it definitely limits my ability to have intimate relationships. When I’m honest with people about my true feelings, I tend to be very worried about their reaction and how it will affect me. Feeling emotionally safe in relationships is something I’m still working on. I hope that this will get easier as I continue the long process of healing from the childhood trauma I experienced.